Hi, I'm kapil from from India. I love a girl, named Manisha, but i could not tell her till date, as i was busy with my business setup, today i'm still working hard for my business to grow, so that i propose more confidently, but in mean time she got engaged with the guy and her family is planning to marry her in this October or November. I care a lot for her, but if i propose her now, our family relationship may go bad. I don't want to interfere and make her unhappy by taking any wrong step.
I love her a lot, but my mind is binded with my culture and my feelings for her. I don't want to hurt her; but i want her to know I have some feelings for her.
What should I do?
By Kapil
Answer:
Dear Kapil,
Unfortunately I believe that you left it too late. I would not rock the boat; By telling her now you risk losing a lot. You mentioned yourself the risks including family ties, and your culture which would frown upon any potential relationship between you two given that she was engaged.
Why do you want to tell her anyway? how do you know she would appreciate your honesty? She is engaged after all, so there is a big chance that she loves her fiancee. You will be causing both of you unnecessary confusion and emotional angst.
If you are prepared to gain the wrath of society and you believe that she may share your feelings, then tell her. However I would advice you not to, love comes and goes; We believe ourselves in love one day to discover in the future that it was all a delusion. Do not forget that time does help us forget eventually. Distance yourself from her and be happy for her impending marriage.
You mentioned that you are still busy with your business, so concentrate on that until you find a more suitable and unattached partner. You will be happier with someone that does not carry unneeded baggage.
Sincerely,
Sil
comments
Sorry Sil, I don't mean to insult your very sound advice, but uh if this woman is Kapil's reason for being successful and he's pulling a 'Great Gatsby' then going off quietly into the night with questions unanswered is just going to make every other woman he tries to be happy with reduced to being second best. That not only robs him of reality and happiness, but in turn it robs someone unknowing and undesserving.
Kapil:
Firstly, because of how you feel you will NEVER be "just friends" with her. You're going to be jealous and sad, and do something dumb eventually.
So might as well tell her how you feel, but don't make it out to be uh...selfish. Just explain that you need to know for her sake, because her happiness is important to you and you don't want her doing something she'd regret, so if she feels even remotely the same, then reconsider the marriage.
Sure it could rock the boat and break things up, and people will be pissed for a while but uh...
well, most of them will get over it after a few years, the others that carry it with them for life there's nothing you can do about that.
The worst thing that can happen is she runs away with you, your family disowns you and everyone hates you but her. Which doesn't sound like that big of a loss considering you mentioned changing your life for HER. Besides, if I were in your shoes I'd rather be hated by everyone except that special person than to mentally kick my own ass with the 'what ifs' for the rest of my life.
Now she could be surprised and get kind of weird. Her response could be something completely unexpected like "what the hell is wrong with you?"
It happens, now you know. Apollogize, tell her you wish her well and misunderstood the signals she was giving you, then get out of there as soon as possible. No harm done. She's not going to run around telling everyone in sight, she's likely to be too embaressed. And if she does, then she's just doing it for the sake of humiliating you, and in that case just tell everyone she propositioned you or something.
No worries xXull, my sound advice didn't feel insulted in the least ; We can't all share the same take on things.
I do understand your point of view in regards to regrets and "whatifs". I believe though that if she rejects him now on the premise that it's too late, he will be riddled with "whatifs" because he hasn't told her earlier.
He could tell her in the very slim hope that she shares his feelings, knew nothing of them and thus settled for the other dude.
I hope that someone who put his feelings on hold, to improve his status in life in order to be more worthy and proving that he's a realistic fellow, would realise that in life we love and are not always loved in return. We can't always have what we want, and there is no such thing as the perfect sould mate, it is more a state of mind.
If she tells others of his confessed feelings, he definitely should not allude to anyone she propositioned him. Well he could inform her that if she does tell, he would be implying that she propositioned him!!!!!