My story started by the end of February 2004. I called the company I usually buy phone cards to call back home. I have talked few times with the manager who was very sweet to me, I noticed that he had a khaleejy accent.But that day "end of Feb" the manager was joking with me, I asked him from where he was exactly from he said frm Emarate, I started joking with him with the Emarate accent, he laughed so hard. He took my cell number, but I've never thought he will call me back, since I was just joking, and it wasn't the first time...

While I was having dinner with my friend "H" called me, he asked me to guess who was on the phone...after few moments I knew who was talking....we talked and laughed about everything....He knew that I was from North Africa, and mentioned a word or two from my own dialect. At that time I didn't think that phone call was a big mistake. So mr."H" kept calling me every day...we started appreciating each other, and from one phone call a day it jumped to few phone calls a day..we got so attached to each other and developed a strong feelings after not believing in love at all. "H" got to know everything about me including my dark past: My parents forced me to get married at 19 with a man from my own country who lives in the US. He mistreated me, and abused me in every aspects, it took me 3 years to get off that relationship that destroyed me. I was depressed, anorexic, and lost all hopes in love ..I hated all man. God gave me the strength to leave him and ask for a divorce. I finished my school, and worked very hard...and Hamdulah I end up succeding and getting a great job that I love,. I am also very sociable, so I had a lot of friends around me. The only thing missing was loving a man and feeling loved. A lot of guys approached me, and they all wanted something serious, but I was so scared from them I had a feeling that all they wanted is my body and the way I looked...it wasn't what I was looking for...I wanted a person that appreciate my personality first.

To make a story short, "H" loved me and appreciated me before even seeing me, we never exchanged pictures. He lived in a different state around 4 hrs flight fom where I live, quiet a distance! I loved his personality, he was older than me by 11 years, but we got along very well. I knew from him that he wasn't the manager of the phone compay but the owner. "H" didn't have any problem with my past and he tried to replace all what I didn't have "Love" . We decided to meet, since he is a busy man, I accepted to fly to meet him. I was nervous, it wasn't appropriate in our culture to go, especially I had to hide it from my friend and family to not misjudge me, it was a risk to take but for love I was ready to do anything for him. I traveled by the end of April. I got there he calls my cell to know where he'll find me. It was a blind date with the person I love! I was in love with a man who I don't know how he looks like. Here he comes...nervous I see him....He didn't have that much hair, and looked older than a 37 years old...I tld myself he probabely worked hard in his life. When he saw me he kept telling how beautiful I was, he said"GOd sent you to me on a golden plate" "Al kamal lillah but God gave you a brain and beauty, and I am so lucky" .....We spent the week-end together...
Went back to mty State..we got so close to eachother, "H" became my life, I became his...He couldn't sleep if he doesn't hear my voice...we were seeing each other every month for just a week-end.......

Our love kept growing bigger and we were even making plans for the future...we talked about kids, about our life together....etc
In June I went back to my country to visit just for ten days, he was calling me everyday...

In August "H" got sick, and I felt like I was dying I had to see him...next thing I was in a flight to give him some love and attention ....
"H" didn't go back to visit his family for over 15 yrs, so I've pushed him to go see his parents before it's too late, but since he is very busy, each month he canceled the trip, and scheduale it for the next one. My parents came to visit on October for Ramadan...I had a lot of people asking me for marriage, I refused, I was in love with someone else...I tol them this time I choose the one I want and love....the pressure was high on me...I shared it with "H" he was everything for me , not only the love but also the friend...his answer was that he wasn't ready to ask my hand from my parents, I asked him to just introduce himself ...without rush for marriage...he never answered me straight he was always changing the subject...

December comes , "H" surprised me with his unexpected trip to Emarates, he said that I should not worry but he will try his best to call me..."he promised his mom to not call anyone including work " I didn't think he won't call, he was the kind that he couldn't stay a day without hearing my voice......he got first to kuwait , he calls that he'll fly in a day or two to Emarates after taking care of some business...since then 3 weeks no phone calls....

I started to be suspecious, how come he didn't call, I was sying inside thinking that he might be married and he hid it from me....or may be his parents wanted to arrange marriage for him....etc...I started doubting especially I visited him few times in his state but he never invited me to his house, he just showed it to me from far...when I asked the question he just said that his niece and husband are visiting from out of seas...I believed him but had some doubts....
Anyway, when he got back he called me as soon as his flight landed in the US. I was very cold with him, and asked him why he never contacted me when he was back home...always the same answer, my promise for my MOm....IMy coldness didn't change foe a week or 10 days, and I kept talking about the same subject asking him if he was hiding things from me, ...etc One day he got mad and told me "That's why I don't wonna get married,I swore that I won't get married...I told mty family about you and my mother swore that she won't forgive me even if she dies if I marry you because you are not Emarati and you are divorced....." The words were too strong for me I felt I was dying ...I started crying rminding him our love, how can we sacrifice our love...he said that he was suffering enough....I cried so much, couldn't eat, got depressed, and wanted to die to kill myself to not suffer ....I have already suffered enough and never knew what was love until I met "H" but maybe I wasn't meant to love or be loved.....
Since then "H" changed with me, he became cold, hardly called me, and was killing me...

What else to do, just pray to God to help me in theses moment give me the strength that he always gave me, to not let me down, I needed him so much...and I swore to not forgive the person who burned my heart, .....
How can I believe in love or in relationships anymore? It's pretty hard...I am still suffering ...Inchallah one day I'll be able to trust guys, and love as welll...I lost my faith ...